CIRCLE - Chapter 5

 CIRCLE

 Chapter 5

After that day, I avoid meeting and talking to Koharu. I only meet her at the dance room, but we say nothing at all. I don’t look at her, because I’m afraid that if I look at her, I won’t be able to look away.
There’s nothing different between a day and the day before or after it. Everyday, I come back to my home after practicing; I lie on my bed and hug myself to get rid of loneliness. But it can’t be helped. I feel so lonely. I miss her. I really miss her very much.

When will I forget her?

In the first few days, I think I’ll forget her soon, like Eri. I have loved Eri for more than 4 years, but I have almost forgotten her easily. Maybe I don’t really love Eri. I only want to be cared for by her. I only need a person to embrace me when I’m sad. My feeling for Koharu may be the same.

However,
The more time passes, the more I miss her. I miss the feeling when I was in her warmth. I miss the feeling when she kissed away my tears and held me in her tight embrace.

So when will I forget her?



I suddenly realize that I want her to be with me is not just because I’m afraid of loneliness. She’s not just a person to replace Eri or to remove my loneliness.
I suddenly realize that it’s too hard for me to forget that kid.
I have never felt so bad like that. I’m losing myself. I even can’t smile naturally with everyone. I always avoid having meal with them and stay at my room all day.


Today is the day we go to Hokkaido to make DVD magazine. A week ago, everyone was very eager for it. But now the atmosphere becomes tense. Any attempt to remove this tense atmosphere of Ai-chan and Gaki-san is unsuccessful. Sometimes only JunJun& LinLin laugh with them unnaturally. The others say nothing at all.
We go to there by car. I sit next to LinLin at the last row. Gaki-san sits next to Ai-chan and the same to Eri-Reina. Mittsi sits by JunJun and Koharu sits alone at the seat behind the driver.
An hour later, the road becomes more and more rough. I start to be dizzy. I feel very tired but I try to hide it so that nobody will know.
Suddenly, there’s someone taking my hand and pulling me away. It’s Koharu. I look at her with a surprise.
“What are you doing?”
“Come here and sit next to me!” She pushes me to the seat next to hers, near the window. Everyone looks at us.
“What’s wrong, Koharu-chan?” Gaki-san asks with a concern voice.
“Shige-san is carsick.” Koharu answers without looking back.
“Really?” LinLin screams out. “I sat next to her but I didn’t realize anything!”
Koharu opens the window so that I feel better. After that, we keep quiet again. Sometimes I want to say “Thank you” to Koharu, but there’s something preventing me from doing that. I just look through the window without looking at her during the whole time. She still cares for me. She always looks at me. I’m happy about that, but I’ve decided to forget her. I don’t want to hurt her and Mittsi anymore. They should be happy together.

After a few hours, we finally get there. The air is so pure and the sightseeing is wonderful. But of course this time I’m not able to enjoy it.
“We’ll go to the hotel to rest tonight. Tomorrow we will start making DVD magazine. Because of some sudden reasons, we only have 5 rooms. So 4 rooms will have 8 members, 2 members each room, and 1 room will have 1 member.” The manager says to us.
Of course, Gaki-san and Ai-chan will be in one room. The same to Reina-Eri and JunJun LinLin. Only Koharu, Mittsi and I haven’t decided yet. I say to them quickly:
“I feel a little tired. I’ll stay alone.”
Gaki-san looks at me with concern eyes.
“Is this OK? If you’re tired, it’ll be better when Koharu stays with you and looks after you.”
“No… I want to be alone…”
I try to say it without looking at Koharu. They will stay together; it’s the best for them.
After taking a bath, I lie on the bed to rest. This room is large and comfortable. When alone, I can’t stop thinking about what happened in the car. I’m really happy. But I shouldn’t have this feeling, I MUST forget her.
Crap. I really hate myself.

“Sayumi?”
It’s Eri’s voice. I wonder what she comes to my room for. I quickly open the door.
“Are you still tired? I come to give you some fruits”
I’m surprised for a while.
“Thank you…”
Eri always cares for me. There’s nothing changes. I realize that our relationship now Is not different from it in the past at all.
“Can we talk a little?”
I nod. She comes near and sits next to me.
“How do you feel about me now?”
I keep quiet. I don’t know how to answer this question.
“I think you have already realized that… from the beginning, there’s no love between you and me… We care for each other, but it’s not love, right?”
That’s true. I bow my head in silence. Eri holds my hand ands and looks into my eyes.
“We are best friends. Nothing can change this, OK?”
I nod. She leans to embrace me gently. I feel so comfortable. Being with Eri is always warm and comfortable.
“Nee Sayumi, you love Koharu-chan, do you?”
I’m really shocked at her question. I feel so embarrassed.
“No, I don’t…Why do you ask a question like that?”
“Don’t hide your feeling anymore. If you’re really falling in love with her, you should forget that kiss. She didn’t do it on purpose, you know?”
“I’m not angry about that anymore…”
“So why…”
I shake my head and say nothing. Eri looks at me for a while, them she suddenly stands up.
“I’ll go somewhere to get a knife to pare those fruits. Wait a minute, I’ll comeback soon. Remember to tell your answer for my question, OK?”
I nod. I wonder whether I should let her know all of my thought. Maybe I should. I need someone to share my feeling. And she’s my best friend.
Suddenly, there’s a knock on the door. Perhaps Eri comes back. I quickly go to open to door.

But in front of me, it’s Koharu.


Koharu-chan,
Nobody wants to be lonely.
I’m always afraid of loneliness,
But I can make sure that; I come to you not because of my fear for it.
It’s the only thing I can ensure with you.